The Confidential files of the Avengers
by Nation El-Diablo
Summary: The journel entries of the Avengers straight after the movie. hints of HawkIron unrequited, and rated for Tony and language.
1. AN

Authors note:

Phew finally finished, Sorry about the delay on the last chapter.

This set of logs was inspired by to works a I have read: the very secret Diaries of Lord of the Rings www. ealasaid misc /vsd (remove spaces)  
and

the diary of Doctor Daniel Jackson, web. archive web /20060107105142/ www. versaphile anais/  
(again without spaces)

both of these are hysterically funny but hard to find as they are older works not on FFN.

As to the work itself.

**I don't any of the characters mentioned in these diaries, they are all the works and property of Marvell Comics. No money is made from this work (nor do I have any ever) and it purely for enjoyment. **


	2. Agent Clint Barton

AN: _Disclaimer: I don't own the characters here, they are the property of Marvel comics, I'm just playing with them _

Agent Clint Barton

1 day of after the attempted invasion.

I returned to New York to find that Tony had already started repairs to the almost destroyed Stark tower. Instead of repairing the whole sign a large illuminated A hovered at the top of the building. I wanted to tell him exactly what I thought of this alteration but as that actually involved entering the beast it seemed unlikely.  
Have instead decided to stand outside and throw rocks at it. Much more satisfying. I was onto my fifth throw when I was stopped by an amused Black Widow. She seemed to be under the impression that just because everyone else thinks we're together that we should be. Haven't the heart to tell her I'm gay. Have to smile though as she shimmies up the side of the building and undoes the holding bolts. Ghastly A plummets to Earth narrowly missing me. It's followed by four of the five rocks. I wondered what happened to the fifth until a suited up IronMan appears with a dent in his helmet(not a metaphor). He seemed upset by the signs destruction. Natasha to him it was mice, he didn't seem convinced. Am now living on the eight floor of the building. Tasha is on the seventh, spends too much time with Pepper if you ask me.

Day two.

I have taken to shooting Avengers with foam arrows. This is for a number of reasons, firstly I am very bored, secondly it allows me to keep practising my aim without having to keep up the tiresome trips to the range, thirdly I think it keeps my fellow avengers on their toes and fourthly,.. Did I mention I was bored? Tower still only habitable on half the floors, so Tony and Pepper are spending much of their time fixing it. Steven showed up this morning and immediately started to help. Stupid Steve making the rest of us look bad. Have shot him twice as often.

Day three

Avengers shot 5 (not bad)

Thor arrived, he said that "he miss the comradeship of fellow warriors" I think he misses Jane and just wants to get laid. Bruce finally appeared out of the lab, managed to shoot him with dart as he went for coffee. He looked like the other guy might make an appearance but just growled 'caffeine' and went back to the pot. Note to self, don't mess with the Hulk. Steve suggested that I got out the vents and did something useful. I suggested he went back to being a SuperCleaner and left me alone.

Day four

Avengers shot 0 (growl) vents purged of brick dust 8 (I will kill Tasha)

Woke up to find that all my nerf arrows had been replaced with feather dusters and Microfiber cloths. I will find the BlackWidow and reign down fury and terrible vengeance upon her. She is the only one sneaky enough to do this without me noticing. Stalked up to the kitchen to find her pretending to be innocent with the others. When I confronted her she raised an eyebrow and told me that now I could at least be useful when I was hiding in the vents, I'll show her useful.

Day five

Vengeance achieved 1 (but it's enough) Avengers shots 12 (go me who's the daddy?)

Managed to procure an onesie made of microfiber tassels, removed EVERYTHING in her wardrobe so it was her only option. She stalked into breakfast looking like a giant mop. Haven't stopped laughing yet. Must ask JARVIS for a screen shot off the security cameras. Other Avengers looked stunned. Thor asked if he should use her to remove dust from the top of units, may have snorted coffee.  
Am bored again, may see what other games I can play with my team mates...

Day six

Arrows returned hurrah! Might have something to do with the game of hide and seek played yesterday which resulted in minor Hulk related damage to the R&D lab. Apparently I am supposed to tell people what we're playing before sequestering myself in the top of the supply closet. Bruce didn't take kindly to the shock. Fortunately the Green Fugly likes me. Hid on his shoulder while Stark threatened parts of my anatomy I'm fond of. In my defence he should of made the lab ceilings high enough to allow for Hulk to stand up, apparently I was the only one to see it that way.

Day seven

Tower almost back together. Its amazing what infinite amounts of money can do, have suggested jokingly that he builds me target practise range in the basement. Worryingly he went away with an enigmatic smile on his face.

Day eight.

New best friends (1 Woo hoo) sprained muscles due to over use (can't move anything in upper torso).

So Stark dragged me out of the vents at about 16:00 today all the while muttering that it was not early and I should be up by now anyway (he can bite me, if I want to sleep all day and party all night.. wait I've heard that somewhere before), and led me down to the basement.  
Oh. My. God. How the hell had he managed that?! in one night he had not only built a range but had 'customised' it so that each target had a picture of Loki's face on it, every time I hit one it gave satisfying reenactment of Hulk battering him through the floor growling 'puny God'. Laughed like a drain. I must do something nice for Stark in return.

Day nine

Have noticed that JARVIS is running a new interesting programme, when ever Tasha enters a room it plays Itsy bitsy spider over the tennoy. This lasted until lunch time. Where upon new best friend was sporting new black eye. Now tennoy play 'can't touch this; every time Thor makes an appearance. Have told Tony he was a genius, the look he gave me said 'well duh'.

Day ten

Avengers shot in last three days 0 (pitiful, but have been busy).

Threats made against Justin Hammer: Incalculable . Plots to destroy Hammer industries: infinite (all rejected due to lack of funds, lack of time or lack of ability to break known laws of physics.

Justin Fucking stupid I will shoot him through the hear Hammer has filed a laughable lawsuit against Tony personally for his arrest over the Hammerdriod incident. Tony is handling it with his usual aplomb. We've needed to restock all five bars twice now. I have decided it is my duty as his best friend to see to it that revenge is sought and delivered in the most humiliating way possible.

Day 11

Have been told by Fury that I can't tie a 100ft high picture of Justin Hammer screwing a rent boy to the back of a quinjet and fly round New York. I will have to think of something else. Tony has disappeared into a binge, not because of the lawsuit directly but because of the media response, most stations are trying to make Hammer out as the victim. He shrugged and said people have short memories. It sucks I will change this.

Day 12

Bruce, Tasha and Pepper are helping me with 'operation Hammertime' after Thor and Steve had to carry Tony up from his lab and Bruce had to reconnect his Arc Reactor. Bruce is looking a little green around the gills, Tasha has promised not to kill anyone unless it becomes absolutely necessary.  
We have come up with a plan, and most amazingly kept it from the other Avengers. Would feel sorry for the bastard if he didn't have it coming.

Day 13

Tasha off out to some swanky do, had to watch IronMan pick his tongue off the floor, Steve blushed and stuttered before opening the door for her. If I had done that I would be wearing my balls for earrings, but apparently from Steve it's 'innocently charming'. Can't see it. I'm off too wearing an entirely different kind of suit, and sporting some new arrows and tech courtesy of out resident geniuses. Thor caught me about to enter the air ducts and asked me if I was seeking satisfaction in the name of Stark. I was about to talk my way out of answering when he nodded approvingly and launched me into the vent with a 'with your shield or on it' war cry. Not sure what this meant as it's not me who carries the shield.

Day 14

Successful vengeance: 1, Avengers in smug mode: 3.

Papers full of the scandal that broke at Hammertech last night. It turns out that all the time Justin-I-sleep-with-Ladyboys-Hammer was trying to launch a case against Tony he was in a secret deal with China to sell them weapons, he also had links to arms deals in Korea, Afghanistan and various other places. Personally he was involved in several drunk and disorderly fights, which he used threats to shut up (the photos were very convincing) and one case of sexual assault. Well that's what all the paperwork seems to suggest. Shocking really he found the time to run an unsuccessful company really. Media companies incensed, now painting Stark as the innocent victim. Lawsuit being dropped in return for the negatives of the photos. Iron Man seems a little stunned by this turn of events. He asked Tasha what it was like kissing the slimeball. Ironman now has a matching set of black eyes. Still cute though... wait what? oh crap.

Day 15

Self-realisations 1, Coffee drunk 5, Vents forced out of by mop end 10, blackmails in process 3.

Having come to the swift realisation that I do indeed have a crush on the Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist whom owns this building I quickly went about forcing myself back into denial, to help with this I thought it would be best if I avoid said man by beating a tactical retreat... ok I hid. So I was hanging around in the air vents when a long, brown wooden pole jutted up by my arm. I moved further into the tunnel only to have it chase me. Unsure what to do with this strange new attack of the long brown stick I vacated the vent on my floor and went to lurk in the ones on Tasha's floor. Unfortunately the unrelenting pole wielder followed me. Turned out that Tony was still chasing the ubermice that bought down his sign a few weeks ago. I feel no need to confess anything, so told him he would just have to look somewhere else, as I'd already cleared the vents, he suggested that we went and sampled the latest batch of whiskeys he had just imported from Scotland. Who am I to argue with that?

04:00 where am I? why is the room spinning OOOOOOOH Swirly lights.

Day 16

Tried to growl at JARVIS for turning on lights, came out as plaintive meeping noise. Can't breathe, hurts to think, lost battle with stomach 5 minutes ago and contents revolted all over the floor. Apparently I'm at the stairs to lab as vomit has made a puke waterfall all the way to the door. Can not bring myself to care, it's Tony's fault anyway, it was a stupid game. Who's ever hear of drink scrabble? rules are simple, what ever you score is the amount you have to drink.  
Can feel liver developing cirrhosis I am dying. No one seems to care, Bruce took one look at my stair redecoration and went to redecorate the kitchen sink, Tasha and Pepper were seen emerging from her bedroom looking sheepish. Tony hasn't been seen at all, I would worry but Steve just laughed at me and said he was fine, for a given value of fine. Thor has deemed us all useless as drinking companions, the guy is a God! No way were we going to keep up with him.  
Captain America is running interference with Fury, we may have forgotten a debrief that we are in no state to attend.

Day 17

Tony turned up but refused to say where he was, when Pepper asked he snapped he didn't want to talk about it. Steve offered him a donut and he growled, strange even for Stark behaviour.  
Am sitting in debrief from last fight, have long since mastered at of looking like I'm paying attention but in reality am sleeping. The trick is to make sure that you wake at the end so you are not still sitting there when the room has emptied. Steve talking about latest batch of Doombots that we encountered. They came, S.H.I.E.L.D saw, we concurred, what's there to discuss?  
Iron Man feels the same way but is less subtle, he arrived late grinned at Fury and announced he didn't have time for this and to send him a memo before leaving. Love his style, need to find out where he got those shades from... No one should fill out a suit that well phew.  
Bugger have been asked a question whilst drooling over team mate, no idea what to answer. All eyes on me, this is like some horrible relapse to my youth. Umm no idea what to say and now Blackwidow is smirking at me, bet she knows what's going on.

Thought about faking possession but could do without another round of cognitive recalibration. Fortunately Fury seemed in a hurry and just shook his head and continued on, I have a feeling I will be hearing from Steve later.

16:00 Yep Captain America sure enough came and tracked me down, he wanted to discuss my lack of attention in 'vital report meetings'. That annoyed me, I pointed out at least I bothered to show up and stay there, oooh apparently that was a sore point as now he looks like he's chewing a wasp. He says he's talking about my behaviour not Stark's - you know I haven't heard that line since school. Telling off cut short when the building vibrated due to an explosion from the lab area. Spangly man ran off to see what the damage was, I went up into the vents to survey from above.

17:00 Must do something nice for the science twins, apparently bomb was a distraction to allow me to escape the clutches of anally retentive leader. Tony still smirking over look on Steve's face as he slide down the stairs courtesy of the lubricant I hadn't cleaned up from yesterday. Bruce told me I could repay them by not playing with the nerf arrows anymore. Spoilsport.

Day 18

Loki's destroyed: 18, pissed off superhero's: 1, time spent debating how to seduce a self-proclaimed playboy: 14 hours and counting.

Having promised not to break out the foam darts again I have been spending a stupid amount of time at the target range, finally got to put an arrow in Loki's eye, and his groin, and his stupid forehead and his nose... well I have nothing else to do right now. People think that being in the Avengers is all go, go, go but most of the time you sit around scratching your ass waiting for someone to try to take over the world. Then you spend a few manic hours fighting for your life followed by - if your lucky - a couple of weeks recovering. Of course if your unlucky that time can be increased rather a lot. Thor came down to complain that someone had replaced Mijlinor with a rubber hammer. He was about make me a hawk pancake before I convinced him it wasn't me. My money is on Stark, he seems to like doing things like that. When he questioned Bruce he shrugged and pleaded ignorance, I'm not sure if this is true or because Tony threatened to have JARVIS play 'It's not easy being Green' every time he entered Stark tower.

Day 19.

Have broken all the Loki's. Depressed.

Day 20.

Hiding from Thor, he just found out what I was shooting at in the target range, apparently he takes exception to people shooting his brother in the groin.


	3. Agent Natasha Ramonoff

Confidential Log Agent Natasha Romanoff.

Day 1.

Returned to Stark tower to find Clint throwing rocks at the sign, it always amuses me how flustered he gets when I flirt with him, anyone can see he's as gay as Broadway in a pink jacket on the rainbow bridge.

He does however have a point about that stupid A. So I shimmy up and release it. IronMan appears luckily just after I drop to terraferma, I'm sure that dent isn't supposed to be in his armour. He want's to know what happened to the sign. Wow how can this guy be a genius he actually believes it was mice.

I am force to admit that the floor he has given me is rather nice. Have invited Pepper round, in need of some girl time and a pedicure.

Day 2.

Have been shot by stupid Nerf arrows twice, if Clint doesn't stop I'll insert one where the sun doesn't shine. Captain America showed up and has guilt tripped us into helping with the clean up. This is very bad for my hair. Ha, caught an arrow, now to plan revenge.

Day 3.

Have spent the day working trying to work out the access codes to Clint's floor, Tony appeared and informed me that JARVIS had been keeping him appraised of my attempts. Told him that I wanted to disarm Hawkeye, and was told I should have just asked. With a disturbing ease he overrode the codes. Have made a mental note to add old fashioned deadlocks to my doors.

Have taken all of the bows, arrows and weapons I can find from Clint's rooms and replaced them all with cleaning supplies and a note saying 'get the hint Clint?'.

Am feeling rather smug and will treat myself to a non-fat decaf latte, can't bear spending more timein the training room than necessary.

Thor has come back, Said he misses us, aww sweet; he cared enough to lie rather than just saying he wanted to go get laid.

Day 4.

Having a hard time not laughing, I don't think I have ever seen Barton that dirty, and I picked him up after he did reconnaissance in the sewers in Budapest. He looks really pissed, well as pissed as you can while flouncing around with a feather duster sneezing dustballs.

Day 5

Barton is going going to die, and so is Stark. Came back to my room after a shower to find that every item of clothing I owned had been stolen and the only thing that was in my wardrobe was a onesie in the shape of a mop. Will seek some sort of payback but this will take planning and thinking about. May also seek some lesser revenge on Thor, I am sure he knew that I was not to be used as a cleaning cloth.

Day 6.

Have infiltrated Hawkeye's white wash with a red bandanna, all his shorts are now pink, strangely he seems pleased rather than annoyed. How he still thinks that people think he's straight is beyond me. Spent a long time watching him hide on the Hulk's shoulder. R&D lab had only been repaired yesterday and now is full of dust and big holes again. He may have a point about the ceiling height but will not bring that up just now. Will return the stupid arrows, my floor is dangerously close to Bruce's and I rather like it as it is.

Day 7.

Stark really has got more money than god, and I don't mean Thor. The rest of New York still looks like it was hit by a medium sized earthquake and cyclone but the tower is back together. Speaking of Thor, he is whistling too much for my liking, am sure that Jane was sneaking out his room earlier. Will ask Pepper about it. It's refreshing having a female friend to have gossip sessions with.

Day 8

Having trouble not laughing, Clint is walking around like some kind of demented robot, he is spending rather a lot of time on the target range, was unsure why until I saw a large supply of Loki cut outs.

Stark has been setting sophisticated and rather large mouse traps all over the tower, after standing on three, I almost confessed. Almost.

Day 9.

Confess to Stark what happened to his 'A', I couldn't take it any more, particularly when Steve fell into one and broke it. He looked mortified at breaking one of Tony's gadgets. He seemed to take it well until I noticed that JARVIS was playing a children's song every time I entered a new room. Asked Stark to turn it off, he refused, I took exception, he smirked and I'm afraid he might have run into my fist. Music has stopped, but Stark now has an interest eye colour. Pepper bought me a bottle of champers, apparently she's been wanting to do that for years. Offered to teach her how to fight, after all she is a soft target being friends of the Avengers and dating one. She said she'd think about it.

Why can I hear McHammer coming from the Rec-Room?

Day 10.

We have run dry of booze twice in the same day, I cornered Pepper to find out why. turns out that all other pranks must be halted, the Avengers must assemble and kick the ass of Justin -asking-for-it-Hammer. Seriously taking on one of us? You're gonna end up all of us gunning for you. Apparently you also end up with Pepper gunning for you and frankly she scares me.

Day 11.

Apparently using a Quinjet for 'petty revenge' is 'misuse of SHIELDS funds' Fury looked pissed the second time he caught us trying to borrow one. That's easy for him to say, he isn't living with a manically depressed Tony Stark. When I say Manically I mean it, the amount of stuff he has built is the last 24 hours boggles the mind and some of it is completely terrifying. Although I rather like the new bracelets he made me.

Day 12

Couldn't believe what we found when Pepper finally got into the lab, makes even me shudder, the sight of Stark slumped over his desk with his Arc Reactor in his hand, not in his chest where it should all of us to prevent Bruce from Hulking out before correcting the problem. Thor and Steve took it upon themselves to put him to bed. I don't think they realised that while the Cap's away the rest of us will play...

Day 13.

I'm not sure I like this plan, why do I have to go and be the honey trap? I mean ok Pepper isn't trained and it's not like Bruce can do it, but Why can't I plant the materials and Clint go with the slimeball? He's probably more his type anyway.

03:40 Have just got in, have washed in bleach to get feel and smell of him off me, may need to gargle more hydrogen peroxide to get the choking feeling of smoke off me.

Day 14.

Success, Tony is stunned and Justin Hammer is crippled. Took Stark all of 2 hours to get over it, he said thanks by asking me if I used tongue when kissing Hammer,I smiled and evened his eyes out for him.

Day 15.

Found that Stark has good taste in Scotch, Pepper and I stole a bottle and headed back to my rooms. Seemed like a good a time as any to started her fight training. taught her a few jabs and crosses in-between drinks then somehow passed out in the bath.

Day 16

If Thor doesn't stop whistling I will drown him in the bidet. Where the hell is Stark? Why is the Cap smirking?

Day 17

Hawkeye and Ironman sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G Someone has a crush, I can tell Clint's normal sleeping stare from what he is doing now, for starters, he is not drooling and secondly I'm sure he just sighed longingly. Fury just asked him how the new arrow head performed. He has no clue what's going on, not laughing is taking all of my skill as a spy.

Day 18.

Have taken revenge on Thor and Clint at the same time by replacing Mijlinor with a rubber hammer, am sure he won't suspect me. Asked Pepper to put it somewhere safe. Can't wait for the fall out from that.

Day 19.

Clint is sulking, something about being out of cut outs, am going out for a message and to get my roots done. What you didn't think this colour was natural did you?!

Day 20

Arrgh! hair gone badly wrong, I look like a Duracell battery! Pepper is consoling me with wine while I hide from the rest of the Avengers. Steve caught sight of me and mutters whoa, before beating a retreat. I may take up Pepper's offer of Stark's lawyers to take evil hairdresser down.


	4. Thor Odinson

The private journal of Thor Odinson

Three days after the failed invasion of Midgaurd

I returned to Midguard to see my beloved Jane but realised that I will need accommodation so told other Avengers I had returned for them. They seemed to buy it. I have arranged to meet with Jane using these long ranged communication devices, she is coming over tomorrow. I am confused by these small sponge darts that keep bouncing off me, as a weapon they seem rather ineffectual.

Four days after

Barton seems unimpressed with his cleaning duties, he appears to think himself above the need to help out. What is a 'Nerf dart?'. Dust is now falling out of vents with seeming intent, the Lady Natasha, is apparently unaware of this evil spirit that continues to hurl debris at her. In any event I need to sneak away because my Jane is outside, it warms my heart greatly to see her again.

Five days later.

Natasha seems to think that it would be more efficient to become the mop. Although I have become concerned that she has been struck down with the same affliction as our dear friend Banner, no human could possibly make that growl. Son of Stark kindly enquired after my slumber, for some reason this question caused the Captain to choke on his coffee and Bruce to snort his tea. I told him I did indeed sleep well before retiring back to my room with more food for Jane.

Almost smashed Barton with Mijlionr when he dropped down from the ceiling. What is Hide and go seek?

Six days later

Jane had to return to work, but has promised to return in the near future. As I walked back up to my rooms I was hit by another of the annoying darts.

Seven days later

The tower seems to be the only thing in this district that has returned to it pre-smashed state.

Eight days after

Barton has been missing for at least 24 hours, Stark seems to know what is going on but is not sharing. Stark has invented some new contraption, I am unsure what it's function is, but they make an awful noise when you stand on them, I have been considering using them as target practise as they light up in a pleasing fashion when hit. I am unsure what the problem is with the mice which he has launch a vendetta against but as my brother in arms I am honour bound to help.

Nine days

Have successfully relocated Hawkeye, although he appears injured. I quietly informed him that he need only give me the name of the one who bested him and I will see that him will not breathe to mention it. Lady Natasha has taken offence to her parade music, she made her objections forcibly known to out host. I am quiet taken with mine, and am unsure why my Jane seemed fit to laugh hysterically when I demonstrated it to her.

10 Days.

09:00 Jane has instructed me that I am not to make a pancake out of this Justin Hammer who has sent my friend Stark into a downward spiral. According to her the best thing I could do is remove the temptation of alcohol from him, if this is the duty I have been set that I will achieve it with haste and set about emptying the bars.

15:00 I am sure that I had already emptied the bar on the roof already, ah well I will not miss it this time.

02:00 Jane says she meant hide the liquor not drink it all, ah well my way is more secure, although I seem to have made a large hole in the wall. Where is Milj..Mil... Where is my hammer?

11 Days.

Darcy and Miss Potts have made an interesting mural depicting the enemy in a compromising position with a young man of interesting persuasion. When asked what they planned to do with it, they just grinned.

12 Days.

Tony needs help, myself and the good Captain took him up to his bed after we broke into the lab and found him dying on his desk. It is not a sight I will easily forget, he claims that he dropped the reactor. I was not aware that Stark kept a mini bar in his lab next to his welding kit. Seems unwise to me but I am not of this world.

13 Days.

The BlackWidow seems to be somewhere tonight. I think she must be on a mission, for the dress she wears may be pleasant to look at but Jane is sure she saw hear add several knives to the under garments earlier. I found our resident archer attempting to sneak into the venting system of a nearby building whilst walking with Jane. When I enquired to his purpose he seemed reluctant. A plan is afoot to avenge Stark, I wish them the best.

The wonderful Jane asked why I didn't take her anywhere nice, I am unsure how to respond to this as I do not know what constitutes a nice night here. I will consult with the other avengers.

Day 14.

Having talked to both Barton and Stark I have been told that a good romantic day on Earth would be go karting followed paint balling round off with an evening of monster trucks. I was unsure but they were very insistent. Stark even bought me the tickets and arranged the transport. I am fortunate to have friends I can count on. I have contacted Jane and told her she was in for a surprise.

Day 15.

Jane is not talking to me. Avengers are drinking, I will join them.

Day 16.

Son of Stark has still not returned from his late night flight, the Captain is sure that he is well. Avengers seem to wish quiet today while my friends are great fighting companions they need to work on their drinking. Jane came round, she is talking to me again. She said she had to forgive me after my heartfelt apology. I am confused as to what just happened, Pepper is smirking at me.

Day 17.

We have been called into a meeting with the Director. Ironman turned up briefly but left. I struggled to follow the details that were under discussion. I think that young Hawkeye may have drifted off as he is unable to answer questions put to him. I am sure that the Captain will say something about this later.

17:00 Jane has been staying with me, I knew I was good but this time the Earth really felt like it moved.

Day 18.

MIJILNOR! GIVE IT BACK!

Day 19.

have found a pile of card portraits of my brother with distinct wounds in the lower levels of the tower. I will talk to Stark about this.

Day 20.

I need to have a long talk with the Archer.


	5. Tony Stark

The log of Tony Stark.

Day 1.

Great ideas: 2,300, New inventions:12, Mirror update: dashing and rugged.

So in an act of extreme generosity on my part I have opened my doors to the rest of the Avengers, I have even renamed my glorious tower the Avengers tower. Ok it was Pepper tower... well 15% of it was, not that I will tell her that. I thought having some supers strength lodgers might speed up the cleaning process.

09:00 I was on the roof perfecting my new thruster propulsion upgrade when a rock bounced off my helmet. Very cross now need to change face plate. I wonder if I can get a goatee to look good on the new one. Suddenly my glorious logo crashed to the ground. Very annoying, mice my arse the only question is was it helped by a hawk or a spider?

Still problems for another day, I will show them to their floors, after all I don't want them ANYWHERE near me should I actually choose to sleep in my own bed. They seem suitably impressed. Have asked JARVIS to keep an eye on them and let me know if I need to take any evasive action. After-all they my be on my side allegedly but I am not going to put that to the test.

Day 2.

Great ideas: 1223, New inventions: 5, New inventions that don't involve cleaning or construction: 0 (bugger), Mirror update: dusty and in need of a beard trim.

Captain Uptight arrived today, but at least he seems willing to help with clean up. Although he is having to work while being pelted with foam arrows, I think that I will will refrain from taking credit for putting those in reach of our little Legolas. Pep seems to have bought out the feminine side in the little spy, I didn't know that such a thing exists under that perfectly formed psychotic outer layer. Have spent time cataloguing my great ideas, top of the list: install minibar in the lab, I will have to do this while the illustrious Miss Potts is otherwise engaged. In a stroke of genius have sent Tasha and Pepper off to HomeDepot with my credit card and orders to redecorate the recreation area and the dining room. Have bought myself at no small expense some hours to build my minibar and concealment.

Day 3.

Great Ideas: 113 (Interrupted by the arrival of a God). New inventions: 6, Mirror update: beard is scraggly, hair gorgeous overall look is called 'distressed genius'.

Thor has returned from Asgard, he said he missed us but I have a feeling that was because he needs a place to stay. Real reason is to make the beast with two backs with his lovely lady. Have stocked his room with condoms and lube, although it does occur to me that he may not know what these things are. I'm not explaining the birds and the bees to a Thunder God. Had to usher Brucey baby out of his lab to upgrade some equipment, he's been hiding since he arrived. He was shot by Katniss and almost Hulked out. I've been trying for like a week to provoke that response from him, even poking him with my sonic screwdriver (yes I made a Sonic Screwdriver, you're just jealous you don't have one) and didn't get so much as a green hair, but Robin Hood fires one stinking arrow and he actually changes colour. Not impressed. Have loaded his lab ceiling with foam arrow launchers. In revenge I have helped the sneaky one to stealing all of Barton's toys and replace them with cleaning products. About time he pulled his weight the freeloading featherbrain.

Day 4

Great ideas: 25 (am lacking inspiration), New inventions: does a singing toilet seat count? Mirror update: trimmed and fabulous.

Pepper is pissed that I borrowed her razor to sort my beard, like anyone ever sees her armpits anyway. Clint is pissed that he hasn't got any toys and having to clean, Bruce is pissed because his ceiling is raining darts on him, Tash and the Cap is pissed because of Thor's whistling. Apparently you have to be an inventor, a God or a hidden girlfriend to a God to be happy.

Trying not to laugh at Barton, he looks like a giant dust bunny after spending some time in the ducts clearing the dust so the AC can go back on. Am working out when the best time will be to mention that the vents are self cleaning. After all it's my tower of course I made it self cleaning. Sorry Pepper's tower. The Avenger's tower, but I built it. I think another three days and we'll be sorted.

Day 5.

Great ideas: 667, New inventions: 8, Mirror update: spoilt by red face caused by uncontrollable laughter.

I have to admit, having to feuding super spies in the tower is making life far more interesting, the outfit Barton had left in Tasha's room made her look like an angry Furby that had mated with a porcupine. It spent most of the morning trying to regain the ability to breathe. I got several images saved from the security cameras throughout the day.

Ok so having the Fubupine and featherhead around makes life interesting but seriously I had just finished that lab, and now I have a full Hulk outline in the side wall and ceiling. I don't care if they think the rooms should be Hulk height, that would mean losing half the levels. Morons, can they construct a tower? No of course not they are not that bright. That would be why I'm a billionaire and they are sneaky super killers... on second thoughts might just let this one go.

Day 6.

Great ideas: 8724, New inventions: 0 (to busy thinking) Mirror update: Is that a wrinkle?!

Tower almost back to normal, well as close as it's ever going to come. Have decided that it would be a good idea to out a target range in the basement so Robin Hood can take himself down there and not annoy the rest of us. Then I had a great idea to help him with the PTSD from the Loki incident and made the targets Loki shaped and THEN I had the amazing idea to programme JARVIS to play the 'puny God' scene if hit made a kill shot. Should keep him out of trouble for a bit. The programming is taking some time, may need to spend some actual thought on it.

Day 7.

Great ideas: 540, Really bad ideas: 1, New inventions 10 Mirror update: wrinkle turned out to be stray hair, but am now looking like I slept in the lab all night...

So programme took longer than expected and well I finished it 5 minutes ago, have caffeine shakes from working all night. Pepper is pissed at me for not going to bed, asked me what I was thinking, apparently 'it seemed like a good idea at the time' is never going to be the right answer to this question. On the plus side, the tower is now completely back together. So now all we need to do is put the rest of New York back to rights and we'll be set. One thing at a time, have decided to wait until tomorrow to show Barton the range, as he suggested it today.

Now to work on revenges for that 'must be mice' comment.

Day 8

Great ideas: 345, Restraining orders: 1 considered, New inventions: 10... well one but 10 copies of it. Co-conspirators rounded into plots: the most unlikely their is. Mirror update: Dick Dastardly.

Barton garbled thanks upon seeing the range and proclaimed his love for me. Am very worried and not sure how Pep will take this. Have managed to wheeled Steve in on my scheme for revenge on Tasha about the mice incident. Apparently he isn't so uptight when he's been allowed time to unpack and you know associated with humans. He is the perfect stooge as they will never see this coming. Have made several simple contraptions that look like oversize mouse traps. In actual fact they are just boxes with blinking lights on them. Have told out little arachnid that we are after the rodents that vandalised my tower. Also wrote a special little programme just for her.

Day 9

Great ideas: 667, New inventions: none using hands to hold ice pack, Mirror update: shining.

Tasha has confessed that it was her after Steve appear looking mortified for treading on one of my blinking boxes. Had to try had not to laugh at his puppy dog eyes, that guy can act. JARVIS now announcing her arrival to every room. At lunch time she asked me to turn it off, I told her I would if she agreed to wear a bell, she didn't agree and counter offered with a left hook. Am now sitting in my lab with an icepack on face sulking, but it would be a waste of a good programme just to get rid of it...

Clint just gave me another adoring look and told me I was a genius. No Shit Sherlock.

Day 10

Great ideas: 0, New inventions: 0, Ideas on how to buy out all media companies: incalculable, Mirror update: I think you ought to know I'm feeling rather depressed.

Justin-I-Don't-Know-When-I'm-Beat-Hammer has launched a new smear campaign against to me. Getting really annoyed about this, but it's nothing I can't handle, I'm more pissed that the so called news companies have forgotten that I almost died protecting them under two weeks ago. Apparently that counts for nothing. Fuck it I need a drink.

Someone has emptied all my bars, I don't know who to blame for the idea but the action was definitely Thor, even his whistling is slurring. Suddenly very glad for the minibar that no one knows about. I will have the other bars restocked, well JARVIS will.

Day 11.

Great Ideas: 1 (not mine grr), New inventions: 0 (stupid sodding Hammer sapping creative genius and replacing with creative payback). Mirror update: Stoically brave in the face of extreme criticism.

Found Pepper and Darcy colouring in a large amusing banner of Hammer. Told them I didn't know they were such good artists, after a lot of feet shuffling Pep muttered something about Steve helping. Am trying to figure out what they are going to do with it when out lovely SHIELD agents came back in strop saying Fury said no. Not sure what he said no about but it seemed to dishearten the group.

Why is that banner hanging from the side of the tower? Meh I have lawyers to deal with these little problems.

Hmm reactor is producing some nasty feedback,I'll have to take it down to the lab for investigation...

Maybe I should have done the investigation before drinking the rum, this isn't easy.

Here arcy arcy arcy where d'ya get too? This is not going to end well...

What do you know the gang's all here. JARVIS must have called them, yay Bruce he's put my glowly blue thing back in. That feels better... What was I doing? I was trying to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. Yes that's a science thing, not a Sci-Fi thing, at least I think it is...ooh floating, huh not floating being dragged I guess that what happens if you live with a GODilocks and a Serum Solider.

Day 12.

Great Ideas: 0, New inventions: 0, Mirror update: who cares? Not moving from bed.

Feeling green gonna puke.

Day 13.

Great Ideas: 12 - getting better. New Inventions: 2 Mirror update: Not as stunning as Widow, grr.

Tasha is off out to a party this evening, dress to the nines. Not sure what is going on but she is wearing the same outfit she wears to SHIELD missions. I think I would feel sorry for anyone other than Justin Hammer. Still I am intrigued, I tried to tell her she looked nice and I was grateful, she just gave me a glare. Steve smirked and opened the door for her, honestly the rest of us would be missing appendages for doing that.

Went to see if Barton knew what was up, but I can't find him. Thor seems to be practically vibrating with uncontrolled anticipation, he knows something, he tried to deny it but in the process accidentally summoned his hammer, causing rather a lot of damage to the kitchen.

Day 14.

Great ideas: 18 and counting (the day is still young), New inventions: 2, Mirror update Green and purple aren't my colours.

Well I have to hand it to them, without breaking all the laws of the land my fellow Avengers have managed to systematically destroy the reputation of Justin Hammer. The picture of him bitch slapping that boxer was particularly amusing. Not quite as funny as the one of him KO'd from the retaliation, seriously for an arms dealer he really should be better at defending himself. What d'ya know the lawsuits are being dropped, shame I was looking forward to telling him to shove it where the repulsors don't shine in court. Wow apparently I'm a 'misunderstood, innocent victim of a heinous character assassination' well they've certainly changed their tune. I haven't the heart to tell them that they were right about the self-absorbed, narcissistic playboy with a ego the size of my bank balance. Tried to thank my new found friends and offer sympathy to Widow for having to go above and beyond with sleezemachine. Am now wearing a matching set of eyes, Pepper says I deserved it.

Barton looks distressed as his best friend I need to solve this situation with alcohol.

Day 15.

Great ideas: 666(this better not be an omen) New inventions: 1 (but it's freaking awesome). Mirror update: mirror, mirror on the wall who's the drunkest of them all?

spent the day looking in all the normal places for our resident archer, when I turned up a blank I started poking into the air vents with a mop, this prompted an undignified squeak which could have been a rodent but did in fact turn out to be the missing agent. Told him I was still looking for Tasha's mythical mice, don't want him to think I wasted time on finding him. He still looks a bit down, I have just the thing, a new case of Scotch that has just cleared customs. Will invite the others to join us in the sampling.

New game - brilliant and very simple, drunk scrabble - you have to drink the score you get with each word! Fantastic.

00:00 Where the hell am I?! Why am I suited up? Why is the world upside down? JARVIS needs to remove faceplate before there is an awful mess in here!

00:30 Why am I hanging in the Big Boy Donut sign? more importantly HOW am I hanging upside down JARVIS explain!

Huh so I decided to make an magnetised boot to the ironman suits and test flew it here to see if it worked, well that makes sense I guess, how do I get down? I think I may need help.

02:00 out of all the Avengers, why oh why did this stupid computer call the Cap? I mean ok, he was the only sober one, and yes he is strong enough to pull me free when I was hanging unconscious by my newest modification - which in my defence didn't fail, ,just worked too well. Great now I've woken up in the hospital, apparently spending that amount of time upside down is really not healthy. Told them Batman did it all the time. Batman is fictional huh? Who knew? They won't discharge me until morning, The captain has left for the tower already have made him swear to not tell anyone. If he does I will make his shield play Star Spangled Man every time it's hit and have Thor challenge him to a duel.

Day 16.

Great escape attempts: 1023, New inventions: -1 (have dismantled magnetic boots), Mirror update: Don't want to look too scared.

Have been told I have to spend the day in the hospital given last nights/ this mornings "incident" am bored witless but can't bring myself to call Pepper, the taunting isn't worth it. Captain running interference. Will settle down for a good long sulk, room is heavily guarded to prevent escape stupid Captain.

Day 17.

Great ideas: 25, New inventions: 0 (slow day stupid meetings), Mirror update: swelling going down, left side almost back to normal (yay!)

Returned home this morning to inquisition of where I had been, refused to answer but Steve has developed an affection for eating Big Boy donuts in front of me and smirking, I will have to seek revenge. Today is one long meeting, Pepper dragged me to the boardroom at 10 for a meeting about the latest Stark industries projects. I told her that I needed to be at SHIELD and to send me a memo. Turned up SHIELD debrief and realised that I didn't want to be here so told Fury I didn't have time for this shit and to send me a memo. Was corralled into meeting with the board of 'rebuild New York' and found them infuriating so wrote them a cheque and told them to send me the minutes. Pepper again, this time about some staff appraisals, requested another memo.

Went home, inbox full of memos - who keeps sending me these? Deleted them without reading.

Bruce came and found me, told me we needed to help rescue Clint from the clutches of Captain Uptight. Asked him to send me a memo, he said no because I wouldn't read it. See this guy has a problem that needs my attention, if it's important enough to need looking at you fight, otherwise you write a memo.

Turns out Clint was sleeping in debrief and is being whined at by our illustrious leader. This will not do. Bruce and I immediately devise a distraction for the starry one allowing the little hawk to fly.

Wow did no one think to like call a maid or something to clean those stairs? That's got to hurt. Captain more upset about the stains on his jacket, offered to have it dry cleaned and sent him off for a shower.

Clint agreed to lay off the foam arrows.

Revenge on Captain gained, truce negotiated with archer, meetings adjourned. I would call that a success.

Day 18.

Great ideas: 3 (hampered by angry God), New inventions: 1 (it's hard to concentrate with all that racket), Mirror update: bruising at sickly green stage, bleh.

Someone has taken Thor's favourite toy, he is accusing everyone. It's rather hard to get anything done when every other minute you are being shaken by the shoulders and having property you haven't taken demanded. Am getting annoyed, may call team meeting and insist on it's return. Bruce meekly asked why he didn't just summon the stupid thing. Thor went silent and dropped me. I think he hadn't thought of that.

Day 19.

Great ideas: 2309 (I'm back baby) New inventions: 4 (if you include the self walking shoes), Mirror update: back to normal phew.

Spent the entire day in the lab with my babies, have been neglecting them a bit of late. They must be pleased to see me as even Dume didn't spray me with the fire extinguisher. Have made a batmobile! Well it was supposed to be a Delorian but got confused halfway through, Bruce asked if I was changing my handle. I have no idea what he's talking about as the car doesn't have any. Managed to fit the jet engine to the back today and will test it tomorrow.

Day 20.

Great ideas: still working on yesterdays, New inventions: work in progress, Mirror update: smoking.

Run into Thor with a pile of Clint's Loki targets wanting to know what they were. Honestly that boy needs to be more careful where he puts his rubbish, especially the ones that shot in the groin thats just low. Have told Thor that Barton was making a hall of mirrors type thing to overcome PTSD, he looked sympathetic and wondered off to talk to him. Hope that featherbrain catches on as don't think Thunderstruck will be happy that he was shooting his brother.

Went to finish installing jet engine to batmobile... Ok Dume may have had a point with the fire extinguisher that time.


	6. Dr Bruce Banner

AN: sorry for the delay, life and all! not beta'd so may be mistakes. (that doesn't mean there aren't in the other chapters!)

Diary of Dr Bruce Banner.

Day 1.

Tony Stark has graciously held me captive after the thwarted invasion in what is to become the Avenger's tower. I would be more upset had he not furnished it with a Hulk proof room and a lab that does indeed live up to his boasts of Candy-Land. I have been attempting to restart my research into finding a cure for my uh.. condition but I have had a seemingly endless stream of interruptions, from the benign 'would you like lunch now?' to the rather more worrying 'Have you seen a robotic python with Laser vision and a hydraulic tail?' Admittedly this two examples are the extreme ends of the spectrum and Tony did say later in his defence that he wasn't aiming to make a robotic python, it just sort of happened. Heard several loud bangs coming from the roof, followed by a muffled clang and a loud crash, thought about going to investigate until JARVIS informed me that it was just the arrival of Agents Barton and Romanoff.

Tony has just come by asked me how to build something that looks like a high tech mouse trap but isn't a mouse trap. When I asked why he just did get a mouse trap he said because we didn't have mice. I am sensing that confusion will be a permanent companion here.

Day 2.

I offered to help with the rebuild of the tower but was waved off on the ground that Steve had guilt tripped the terrible two into working. Over half the floors are now habitable and Tony has been generous enough to give us one each. I told him not to make a fuss, but I don't think that he understands the concept.

Day 3.

Ventured out of the lab for a caffeine fix when I was shot. Took me some moments to wrestle Big Green down once I realised we were not actually under attack. I need coffee before dealing with childish game of the archer. Fortunately Thor has arrived today, he misses he lady, but is too polite to say. Have seen a curious array of materials being wheeled into Tony's private lab. Not sure whether to be intrigued or worried... Have just seen a plethora of foam arrows. Am definitely worried.

Have been forced out of my lab by supposed fumigation. Am not sure what Tony is up too but what ever it is I think it is going to end badly. Pepper and Tasha are sketching some designs for the new kitchen and communal area. They seem a little over the top to me, but Pepper seems convinced that Tony will shell out for their whims. Maybe she is right, after all she has know n him the longest out of us.

I retuned to work to find that I was repeatedly shot with foam darts with no apparent sign of Clint. On further inspection Stark is always around with a small control, looks like he's booby trapped my lab.

Day 4.

Have taken to carrying an umbrella around the lab, seriously how many nerf arrows did,he put up there?! I went online as a matter of curiosity and confirmed what I suspected, there are no Nerf products available in New York right now. Benefits of being a billionaire and drawbacks of being friends with one. This seems to include the ones previously in the possession of Hawkeye. He seems to be making like a duster today. Strange I thought Tony said we'd solved that problem yesterday.

Day 5.

HULK SMASH!

Day 6.

Arrows have been removed from the ceiling. Unfortunately so has most of the ceiling, Clint seems to be making up for a lost childhood, which is fine but he really needs to tell me before involving me. Tony returned his toys as these seemed less structurally detrimental to the tower. He has also decided to raise the lab roof, don't know why he didn't do that in the first place.

Day 7.

Despite the incident a few days ago, the tower in now back together. Am worried that Tony allowed the girls to design communal areas - there seems to be a lot of flowers everywhere. He's working on something that involves the footage of the other guy crushing Loki, he hasn't stopped chuckling and he must have watched it 100 times by now.

Day 8.

The archer has disappeared, but not before proclaiming his unending loving for our host. Tony came to find me after and quizzed me about my knowledge of restraining orders against arrow firing super heroes. When I said I didn't know anything, he sighed and got me to set up fake mousetraps. I am assisting the inmate running this asylum.

Day 9.

Itsy bitsy spider climbing up the wall, itsy bitsy spider ... Yup it's stuck in my head, growled at Stark and told him he could have at least used Boris the Spider by The Who. At which point his eye lit up like a kid on Christmas and then he disappeared.

Stark's back sporting a new eye colour, said the arachnid musical interlude is over.

da da da da da dum dum de dum Can't touch this... oh sod can we go back to children's tunes?

Day 10.

Tony is depressed, so the tower seems almost sane. I think I preferred it nuts, Clint it looking for something shoot, Tasha and Pepper are plotting and the air is think with tension. I have taken refuge in science only everything I design seems to be some new way of gene targeting individuals. Subconscious is trying to tell me something.

Day 11.

Fury has just vid called me as "The only sane goddam Mother fucker in the tower who can use a vidphone" He says I need to make sure that all Avengers are present and accounted for. Not sure what's up but he was off to inventory the Quinjets visually, apparently he didn't trust the computer response.

Stark has just scared the bejesus out of all us. I'm glad that I did some research on the arc reactor, it's terrifying to hold that device while the life drains out of him. I want to know what possessed him to removed it in the first place but that will have to wait. I think that Barton and Tash might have a point about Hammer being at the bottom of it. This will not do.

Day 12.

Operation Hammertime is underway, I have produced... uh 'uncovered' the evidence and now my only role is to to keep this under Fury's radar. Have bought tickets for him and Maria to go to the opera together. Not sure if they like the opera but I hope.

Fury has just called me and told me to stop what ever it is we're up too. I'm not good at clandestine operations.

Day 13.

Was a struggle hacking invite lists and adding Natalie Rushman to it, Tony is much better at hacking than me. Shame we are making this a surprise. Have been sacked from 'Fury interference' after irate phone call.

Day 14.

Somehow we have succeed! Go team, Papers full of scandal (Clint's doing), and assault charges (Tasha doing) and realistic photos (my doing) and slander lawsuits filed against Hammer (Pepper's doing). Tony is now sporting another black eye after a misplaced comment (also Tasha's doing).

Day 15.

Avengers seem to be playing a version of scrabble that involves copious amounts of drink. Thor is the only one still standing with out support. Is that IronMan that's just taken off from the roof? Isn't there a law about being drunk in charge of a Stark industries design?

Day 16.

Have a headache and the river of unpleasant fluids coming down the stairs isn't helping my state of calm. Stark is still missing, Thor is still whistling, and Steve is chuckling and eating donuts. Other guy is growling, has soothed him with tea.

Day 17.

Tony turned up but won't say where he was. Turned up to briefing late said he didn't have time for this S**t and walked out. No one noticed me sneaking out behind him. Sometimes it pays to be subtle, especially when you are known for being obvious. Poor Clint, doesn't have a clue what was going on. I'm feeling guilty about leaving him to face the inquisition, mentioned it to Stark, we've decided to save him from the disapproval of the Captain.

Well that's going to leave a mark, next time SMOKELESS explosion. Shouldn't have someone cleared that mess by now? Steve looks annoyed, but has stomped off for a shower. Clint has promised a ceasefire, phew

Day 18.

Thor asked me if I knew where his hammer was, took me a while to realise that it wasn't a metaphor. No idea who has taken it, plan to keep out of these internal feuds for as long as possible.

Day 19.

Barton has asked me to repair the sound module on the Loki cut outs from the target range, penny drops about video clips. Thor found them and is unhappy about his brother being used as target practise. Went off looking for Stark, I am concentrating on the Science not the effect it has on the house.

Day 20.

Have spent the day repairing sound and pressure units in targets, have suggested magnetic tipped arrows to Tony, he has gone off to build them. Am not sure is this is all pointless as Thor is still looking for Barton, I won't mention this as enjoying improving the systems.

Why is there a minibar in the lab?


	7. Captain America

Military journal of Captain Steve Rogers

Day 1.

I headed out of New York to become reacquainted with the modern world but I haven't made it as New Jersey before this new world has become a bemusing and startling place. What the hell is an internet cafe and as for the shops with the tinted windows well that was a new... education.

I have decided to head back to the tower, after all isn't said that it's better the devil you know?

Huh this place looks nice advertising glory holes, is that some sort of donut?

Nope definitely NOT a donut! am heading back right now!

Day 2.

Have made it back to the relative safety of the tower, it's still a state at least I can of some some help here.

I keep getting pelted with foam arrows, this is making it hard to concentrate on what I'm doing, Stark says it could be mice. I think there is a joke here I have missed. I think that Hawkeye is bored so suggested he helped. I wasn't aware humans could make that sort of noise, I think he was unimpressed with the suggestion, Tasha said she would help convince him.

Day 3.

Thor has returned he says he misses us. Even I can see it is Dr Foster that he is missing. Tony gracefully overlooked this and gave him a floor.

Thor found some interesting things in his bedside cabinet, I'm not sure what the foil packs are but the other things are rather reminiscent of places I'd rather forget, Tony saw me trying to explain this and went away chortling.

Narrowly avoided a hulk incident, Hawk is looking sheepish. Have sent Thor to talk to him about his uh 'queries ' as penance.

Day 4.

Have learnt something new, LOL stands for laughs out loud, and is appropriate in this circumstance. Barton stomped up to breakfast brandishing a feather duster and a mop, apparently all his toys have been replaced. Tasha just told him to go clean a vent, I thought he'd actually explode but instead he just wondered away muttering 'I'll vent you'. Not sure what this means but if I was Tash I would be worried.

If Thor doesn't stop whistling I may have to take extreme action. How can anyone be loud enough to be heard over three floors?

AM indebted to Stark, he has introduced Thor to bubble gum.

Day 5.

Hahaha can't breathe Tasha! lol lol lol can't breathe!

Day 6.

Wow the Hulk looks even bigger inside, apparently Tony didn't make the rooms big enough for him, this might have been a mistake. I don't think he will be in the mood to hear this right now.

Ok that's just freaky, I literally have super balance and I couldn't stay on Big Green's shoulder like that. Maybe self-preservation enhances natural ability, because if HawkEye falls, and somehow manages not to be squished by Hulk than Tony is going to kill him for damaging the lab.

Day 7.

The Archer is suspicious in his absence. Stark seems to know where he is but is not telling. He is spending a lot of time looking at security tapes from a few days ago.

Right that's it I'm calling Pepper, the giggling from the lab went from obsessive to manic an hour ago and no one should be able to drink that much coffee in 24 hours and not shake.

Day 8.

Have had an interesting day, Tony cornered me about what he called the 'unacceptable vandalisation of the Avenger's Tower' I must have looked blank because he proceeded to explain that Tasha had dislodged the giant 'A' logo that he had crafted as a symbol of all us on the top of the tower. He looked genuinely hurt, apparently it's the first time he's tried to do something that wasn't entirely narcissistic and it was thrown in his face. I have to admit I felt a bit sorry for him so agreed to help him wheedle a confession from our lovely Widow.

Wow he really is good at electronics, these things are amazing! Oh dear it appears that Thor has not been informed of the who scheme and has proclaimed to help his brother in arms in has latest battle agains the vile rodent fiends. This will not end well.

Day 9.

Huh, that was short lived apparently I have a puppy-dog look (Pepper's words not mine and I am not sure what this means). Having made a big deal of apologising for breaking one of the new-fangled doohickeys in front of her, Tasha felt bad and told Tony what happened to his logo. Rec room now plays Itsy-Bitsy Spider every time she walks in.

Stark is sporting a black eye. Rec room now playing something in honour of Thor. Where is Miss Potts going with that bottle of Champaign?

Day 10.

House is sombre as a result of invasion by one of Tony's competitors. I don't understand how the law can be used to punish the innocent this is not the America I remember.

Day 11.

On several occasions I have walked in on conspiring conversations between Tasha, Clint, Bruce and Pepper. Given the state that Tony is in and the number of Whiskey deliveries we have had I think I will not get involved.

Day 12.

JARVIS alerted us to Avenger in distress. Turned out that was rather an understatement, Tony had locked himself in his lab, got drunk, 'dropped' his Arc Reactor and passed out. He claims it was an accident but I am not sure, I am concerned that he has gone beyond self-destructive this time. I will keep a close eye on him until we have this mess sorted out. As much as he irritates the hell out of me he IS part of my team and he has proved that he is worth the effort, sometimes at least.

It does beg the question though: why is there a Minibar in the lab?

Have received an unpleasant phone call from Director Fury, along the lines of he doesn't know what is being planned against Justin Hammer but he insists that we Cease and desist. I, in all honesty told him that I knew of no plans afoot but would keep a close eye on my team. He seemed mollified and terminated the call without even a goodbye. Technically I didn't lie, I don't know for a fact what they are planning involves taking down HammerTech (I just hope it does and clouting him with my shield with not look good for a National Icon) and I am keep and VERY close eye on Tony. Two eyes in fact which mean I can't possibly see what the others are up to.

Day 13.

I bet Tony that between us I had a better chance of being able to compliment Tasha without being flayed for it. He scoffed and said she would just have a matching set of earring made out of our reproductive organs.

Tony owes me $100. Ha suck on that playboy, people still think I'm charming and you're a sleaze.

I may have to confiscate Miljinor, Tony has called the decorated back to redo the Kitchen.

Day 14.

Tony has been exonerated in the press, I have to admit that my team are the best for a reason. Have had another irritated phone call from Fury, apparently I am supposed to stop them undertaking such missions. Meh, needs must and all. Tony now has an interesting set of facial colours, he must stop trying to be nice to Tasha, he's useless at it.

Day 15.

New drinking game of Tony's is going down a treat, but I fell this will not end well. That can not be a safe flight path? Can you drink and be Ironman isn't there a law about that? Huh according to JARVIS there IS a law about it, it's compulsory... I have a feeling Tony may have made that law up.

People are passing out where they lay, Thor and I are going round and making sure that they will not choke in the night. Pepper doesn't look comfy on the couch so we move her to Tasha'a room with her as she will feel more comfortable there than waking up where she is. Besides it's not right for a dame to be out cold surrounded by all these guys. Found tasha in the bath and decided she would be more comfy on the bed too.

Day 16.

It's ridiculously early but at least the roads are clear, I have asked JARVIS to take photos for me, Tony is stuck upside down in the Big Boy Donut Ring. I'm sorry I can't say that without crying with laughter. He said don't ask how just fix it, preferable before the staff turn up. Its a bit of a climb up but I manage it and it took all my strength to pull him free. I suggested I called Thor at one point but he just growled and told me if I couldn't get him down he would just blast the thing and pay for a new one.

Got him down, wow when he makes magnets he makes magnets! He is now staggering round like a new born dear. Have called SHIELD to get him to a secure hospital wing. When they asked what happened I had to just point at the ring and laugh. I think they got it though. Stark just reminded them of patient confidentiality and threatened everyone to never repeat this to anyone. Including me. I promised I would never mention it, but boy do I feel like a donut right now...

Day 17.

Why is it that I am the only member of my team that seems to see the importance of debriefings?

I mean this one is rescheduled due to alcohol related illness anyway, Stark only turned up for 30 seconds and left (with Bruce in tow - he might think he's sneaky but I saw him), Tasha is painting her nails, Clint is asleep and Thor is throwing and catching that stupid Hammer again whilst blowing bubbles in his gum. Great now he's got ti stuck on his face and in his hair.

Tried to talk to Clint about setting an example, after all he is and agent surely he should be paying attention in briefings. He had the cheek to point out that Tony hadn't even shown up, like I don't know this but I can't even hope to control Stark so am picking my battles.

What was that?!

EWWWWWWWW and ouch. I'm covered in I don't know what, the lab is full of smoke and I landed badly on my butt. I can tell that they are trying on to laugh at me. Sometimes I swear i'm the Captain of a kindergarten group not a bunch of heroes. I am going to have a shower and then I am going to lock myself in my rooms and kill a few punch bags.

Day 18.

Have bveen accosted by Thor, apparently some one beat me to the hide hammer game excellent.

Ok may have been a bad idea I forget he could summon the thing. Have asked Stark to call the decorators again.

Day 19.

Ah seems like Thor has discovered what Clint is using for targets. I may need to run interference for a while. Ooooooh I knew Stark was a smooth talker but that was good. seems out resident God has swallowed the therapy line and looks sympathetic.

Day 20.

Clint is hiding from Thor.

Tony is hiding from Clint.

Pepper is hiding from everyone but Tasha alhtough they seem to have all the wine.

Bruce is just hiding in the lab.

I have a headache so I'm going to hide on the roof and do some drawing.


End file.
